Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Support your local cemetery
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
had to make it
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!