Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles