Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
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The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
had to share :’)
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.