Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
