Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Breaking news:
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
☠️ ☠️
