Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.