Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.