Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
WHY?!
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.