Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
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my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning