Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
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she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Guy who likes music
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business