Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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that de-escalated quickly
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
So true for me
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
$4 #usedbooks
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
TRAIN’S HERE
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.