Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.