sry
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I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.