Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.