sry
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I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.