ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
🤣🤣🤣
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample