Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

this was very charming

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??