Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

Just a reminder, folks:

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Banking tips

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

beware of dog

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but