St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Cheers Twitter.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.