Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

I feel seen.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*