St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.