Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston