Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

#JohnTravolta

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

incredible text to wake up to

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

*orders delivery*

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.