St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I’m giving up for Lent.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?