Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.