St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
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I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
LOL
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.