Sam Smith: ooh baby baby I’m dancing with a stranger
CDC: desist please
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
*walks up to girl*
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
This is the scariest thing I’ve ever read
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–
*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.