St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
🤣😈🤣
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.