Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

Lassie, get help!

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]