John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
rapatouille
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.