Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

do u think theres a butter planet?

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

Always a metermaid never a meter

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!