St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes