St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
yes… yes…
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!