Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

his wife is probably gonna see that

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Something Saturday.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.