St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal