Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

it be like that

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.