Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

“no gods no masters” = leo

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?