St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
just left a huge legacy in there
My blood type is b hungry.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
What happened to the other hiker??!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”