If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
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I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.