[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.