[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
A great first step 😂
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.