*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Carpe DM
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
North and South