Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

i was baptized in a car wash

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.