Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

pep talk

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard