*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]