Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Me when I try to be useful

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.