Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

If you know, you know 😂🚔

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight