stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
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My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’