stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.