Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

Okey dokey.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.