Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

I laughed at this way too hard.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat