@Shenaniglenns

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

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@FredTaming

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

@curlycomedy

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

@doyalikebaileys

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

@heyitsJudeD

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

@Dutch_50

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

@JohnLyonTweets

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

@GrantTanaka

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had