Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea