earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Stacy: Come over!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Long, satanic walks on the beach.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had