stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I have obtained a hat
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.