I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
M: I wish I was a baller
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.
Said no one ever.