One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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A horror movie with an all black cast
“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”
“None of my business”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“Ladies, please report immediately to my pants.”
– Me, pretending I’m wearing pants.
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’m on the snake diet. It’s the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula