@TheTimmyToes

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

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@slimmy_shady

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

@TweetPotato314

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

@Lexi__Alexandra

“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

@Marlebean

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

@Jake_Vig

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@Parkerlawyer

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

@dugglebutt

*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number

@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.