@TheTimmyToes

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

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@TheAndrewNadeau

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

@BlvckGrip

A horror movie with an all black cast

“Ayo what’s that noise in your basement?”

“None of my business”

“You right”

*credits*

@AlmightyBored

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

@purch_s

“Ladies, please report immediately to my pants.”

– Me, pretending I’m wearing pants.

@c12h22o11balls

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

@ashleyaustrew

I’m on the snake diet. It’s the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula