stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no