stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”