Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough