Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

A new level of troll.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.