Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Be vigilant

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Growing out my freckles.

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon