Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

My dog learned how to text

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.