Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

Y’all ready for this

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

I love the honesty

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”