Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

😂

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.