Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday