Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.