Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None