Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Beware of fowl play.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
In space, no one can hear…
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?