Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

But is it really??

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.