Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever