Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.