Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

my proudest tweet

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico