Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

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I broke up with a girl once by leaving a note on the front door that simply said: “Love doesn’t live here anymore, and now, neither do you.”


are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?


Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.


My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.


If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.


Fiber Monday is a great idea…
but is once a year often enough ?

Oh….it’s Cyber Monday ?

Never mind.


God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.


Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.