Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
What’s this sorcery? 😂
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I’d use my best pan on you.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)