1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT