Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

dril cadence

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

A woman drives into a bar.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

ibopfufen

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny