Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

I feel like one of these would kill a European

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol