Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
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Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
This checks out
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?