Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.