Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra