Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)